‘The scariest thing I face? My wife after I’ve forgotten to load the dishwasher’ ~Andy McNab
Published: 14 Sep 2011
Betty is the Sun’s take-no-prisoners Mistress Of Modern Manners, who grills a celebrity each week on their standards.
Here she tackles SAS hero and novelist ANDY McNAB on his wife’s interrogation techniques and why he won’t wear underpants.
You’re always hiding in the shadows or wearing a balaclava to conceal your identity. How do we know you don’t just do it to conceal spots, bad teeth and a huge nose?
You don’t. It might be for all of those reasons. But then if I told you, I’d have to kill you…
Do you have different balaclavas for different occasions – you know, cashmere for a night at the opera, waterproof for the beach?
Nah. One style suits all occasions. But I never wear it when it rains. That would play havoc with my hair.
Presumably you take it off at home – but you’ve been married to Mrs McNab for a long time now. Does she ever urge you to put it back on?
Well, we have just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary so something’s going right. I think the quick changes between SAS camouflage gear and my green frog suit keep the magic alive.
You were in the SAS for years. What’s the most dangerous thing you face on a daily basis these days?
My wife after I forget to load the dishwasher for the 20th time.
I’d love to learn some of your techniques. I don’t plan to be marooned in a jungle, but if I did, would I really have to drink my own wee?
Isn’t that what movie stars do to detox? Best plan is to swim downstream and buy a bottle of Evian from the nearest corner shop.
What’s it like At Home With The McNabs? Do you kick open the door whenever you enter a room?
I usually abseil down to breakfast, have a couple of underwater knife-fights with Mrs McNab before reading the paper, then it’s off for some target practice until lunch. Afternoons are spent tracking down locusts for dinner, but my wife will insist on shopping at Waitrose and spoiling all the fun.
Apart from looking good in black, do you have any other special skills?
I can darn socks, cook a mean roast lamb and play the Hawaii Five-O theme tune on the drums.
Is Mrs McNab good at interrogation?
Mrs McNab is very, very persuasive. Best just to tell her everything, immediately.
Does she use tickling? I find that, or sticking my tongue in Mr Brisk’s ear, works a treat.
She tends to go for the classic dripping tap technique.
Is it true you never wear underpants? How come? Don’t you need them for collecting water or carrying ammo on missions?
Nope. Got to be ready for every eventuality. Underpants can only slow you down.
I must say I feel for any of your daughter’s boyfriends. I expect you’ve been tempted to set trip wires and booby traps to keep them at a safe distance from her. Or are you Mr Chilled Out these days?
I’ve still got her place booby-trapped. You can never be too careful.
Having said that, I’m sure she’s got you wrapped round her little finger, eh? I bet you’re a right old softie where she’s concerned.
Never! I am very proud that I have given her the only warnings you really need in life: “Never eat tomatoes, or anything bigger than your head.”
You write best-sellers about fighting. But you’ve been married five times, so aren’t you now just as qualified to write romantic fiction? Are we ever likely to see an Andy McNab Mills & Boon title in the book charts?
Sounds like a good plan to me. I’ll get started on it. The hero definitely won’t be wearing underpants or eating tomatoes.