2010
05.07

This story has been covered up for years, and it’s time it came to light again. We repeat the story as told to us by a grey man’s land intelligence asset.

Shortly after the Falklands War, three heroic special forces soldiers were brought before a specially-convened board so that they might be rewarded for their actions during the conflict.
‘You see, men,’ said Colonel Sir Nigel Tufnel, ‘we can’t reward you publicly with a medal because your identities must be protected. Therefore, we’ve decided to reward you with money, and since your brave deeds can’t possibly be reduced to a mere figure, we’ve devised a fair way to distribute what funds we have. You name two parts of your body, we’ll measure between them, and we’ll pay you one thousand pounds per inch!’

‘I’ll go first!’ volunteered the Royal Marine.
‘Very well,’ the colonel said, ‘what shall we measure?’
‘From the tip of the middle finger on one outstretched arm,’ the Marine said, ‘to the tip of the middle finger on my other outstretched arm.’
The colonel measured, and happily reported, ‘Seventy-two inches, lad! That’s 72,000 pounds for you. We’ll send you a cheque.’

The next hero, a tall SBS lad, stepped up smartly and said, ‘I hope you can afford this. Tip of my middle finger, with my arm stretched above my head, to the large toe on my opposite foot.’
The colonel measured. ‘My God! 108 inches! Well, that’s 108,000 pounds for you then.’

Finally, the last hero — an SAS trooper — stepped up.
‘And what do you wish measured?’ asked the colonel.
‘Tip o’ me prick to me balls, sir,’ said the SAS lad.
The colonel hesitated. ‘Confidence is all well and good, but…Are you sure?’
‘I’m sure,’ the SAS trooper said. ‘Get on with it.’
The SAS man pulled down his trousers and the colonel started measuring. After a long struggle, he stopped.
‘I don’t understand,’ the colonel said. ‘Where exactly are your bollocks, trooper?’
‘Goose Green, Falklands, sir!’ the SAS man responded.